Billy Beer

"T'was the night before Thanksgiving eve, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except that blasted Almore looking to douse. He was stumbling through here, stumbling through there. He was only partially clothed with nothing clean to wear. He mumbled past moms room, he bumbled past his, he wound up in Ilmores looking to wizz. Poor, poor Ilmore, blessed with bad gene's and a deep snore, was now in a bad way with no lock on his door. As Almore steadied himself and let it flow, Ilmore awoke with a much, much too late NOOOO!!!!"

I let myself in

Do it, don't do it. These words confound Fred. He likes cohesion.

The ancient texts suggest we look forward. These words confound Fred.

I bought a new porch. The other was scabby. Again...

Fred learned your lessons for you. So go home. Be well. It was me, after all, who sent the evites. Oh abbreviated electronic....you mean so much to me when the lights are off.

Let's not pretend anymore, okay? I've got a mortgage.

Fred sleeps in. Trust me.

You know what? I like you.

Any who, on to more important life altering raise a hand if you want one pieces of meant well. So once again we visit Almore and Ilmore. These two are pure unadulterated meant well. Last we heard they were in Austin enjoying the varying nightlife that it possesses. The California of Texas as known to most of us. It is a lot like going to Epcot and touring the world but with all American flavors. Well, apparently they are back in North Texas.
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Slagle man fatally shot at horse track 10:46 PM CT
12:36 PM CDT on Monday, July 23, 2007
From Elliot Six Reports
Law enforcement officials were investigating the fatal shooting of a 45-year-old Slagle man at a horse track Sunday.
The County Mounty Department said Esquire Griminess' was found with multiple gunshot wounds at the racetrack on County Road 227 at about 5 p.m.
Lt. Corporal said Mr. Griminess' appeared to have been shot by a track official during the 3rd race. He was pronounced dead at the scene. The official in question we have found to be a local by the name of Almore Lampin. He was unavailable for comments immediately afterward as he was being sequestered in the stables by authorities. His brother Ilmore released the following statement, "My brother is the finest of track veterans. He was president of his FFA group at the community school and has served at this track for 3 years. We never like to see the riders or the horses to get injured. As you well know a broken leg spells the end of their careers and most owners ask to have them put down. My brother was only following their instruction. There is no story here that doesn’t happen at other tracks across this great nation of America. The rider went down hard after Concrete Chipper tripped over Lucky Lager as they passed the 3rd furlong. Mr Griminess' appeared to be in excruciating pain so my brother took action to end his misery."

Must've flown American.

Finally in Austin, Almore and Ilmore are settled in and preparing for some hot Austin nights. They set out trolling along Nueces near Guadalupe and 26th headed south. The guys were skipping along excited about their good fortune and are lost in the sauce again. "There are good things afoot for us now Ilmore!" Almore declared. "We are going to get inside with pride tonight my brother! I'm not talking about that old bootstrap scowl neither!" Ilmore is not as confident as his brother is. He has been looking around and not as impressed with the surroundings as Almore seems to be. Almore must know something he doesn’t about this town. Pretty soon they are passing the University of Austin Texas and its massive sprawl. Across the street Almore eyes some scat entering a local meet-n-greet. He is off and hollering from across the street before Ilmore can even turn to look. "Get up on it Ilmore! Let's sit in this" he calls out. Ilmore heads on over and is trying to make out the name of this place. "Almore you sure about this? It is called Momma's Meaty Elbow, what kind of establishment is this?" "Who cares, you see the scowl growling in this place?" Almore retorts. Once inside they were greeted with the blaring sounds of Bon Jovi's all time everyone's favorite classic, Runaway. "She's a little run-a-way, Daddy's girl learned fast now she works the night away….SHE'S A LITTLE RUN-A-WAAAAY!!!!!"

and it gets even awesome'r

I still cannot believe there is an American human named "Apple."

So last night Nathan Lane called me to discuss the Almore and Ilmore characters for use in on around Broadway. I really do not see the transition to theatre but I am not the professional in the conversation so I give him a listen. Seems he has a new play due out but no direction and wants it to fail. He caught wind of these two brothers who were going nowhere fast in their nowhere town fast and the bar fast they frequent. I told him repeatedly that these guys are not into Public Image Limited and even though I would listen to a new album, if they were to ever release one, these 2 brothers are not interested.
Here is where Big Nate began laying it on pretty thick. If I could get these 2 guys to go to NY and just check it out he really thinks they would come around and do it. At this point he must think these two characters are real because he is loosing me fast. Matter of fact I might be confusing what he is saying with that movie Mouse Trap which was on. Either way he finally convinced me to bring the brothers to New York City.
We arrive in grand style, there was an unbelievably long line of Taxi cabs outside vying for position to take us where ever we needed to go. I proceeded to go down the line like the Grand Marshall Judge type guy at the Dog Shows on that television instrument. I was eyeing them all, walking by slowly, pausing for a second then moving on to the next. Each Cabbie breathless in anticipation of being picked. They were all petting their cabs and primping them up to look their best. What a show! Finally one cabbie was so eager he couldn’t stand it and took it so far as to punch me in the nose and run off with my bags to put in his car. I am not fond of this guy at this point though. By the time my eyes cleared I couldn’t find the guys cab or my gear.
Big Nate finally walks up (which he is not as big as a "Big Nate" would imply so right away I am under impressed) and is quizzing about where Almore and Ilmore are. "Big Nate, I told you these guys are characters" I said. He ponders on, "Oh so they are messing with me huh? Where are they really? They inside still?". "Yes Nathan, they are still inside" I finish, "can we just get on to the broads? They will catch up in time I promise."
Let me tell you now and here that this "Broadway" we all know and robotize is, well how do I put this, let us all just come to realize right now that though we love it, we still want to use its mouth as a toilet. What a hag rag used for a game of tag row of glitter and glamour. Lights flashing bright all over the place, people costumed out calling out like carnies at the fair. One of the billboards had the following listed and I immediately know I have to catch that show though.
Bobby Ogden on Piano, Thanks Bobby.
Charlie McCoy on harmonica, Oh Charlie.
Russ Hicks on Steel Guitar.
and introducing Muhammad Ali….
Nathan and I enter into his side door to their theatre so I can get a feel for the place, the dressing rooms, stage presence and acoustics. It is a really nice place on the inside. The room is perfect for the doldrum antics of my two characters. "They would fit in nicely here" I say, "you can use them however you wish so long as you follow my story exactly."

Fred's Steady

Burnt. He felt burnt. Not the twice or the thrice, but the everywhen. Fred was pissed.

"Saved by the ha ha ha's again, Fred?" she whispered. Oliva was a dangerous catch. Swarthy to the teeth. Gentrified, but stubborn to beat the band. She salivated gold sprinkles. Her ankles swiveled like elbows.

"I am not the time or the place, Oliva."

"Shove it."

"You've been watching too much 'Alice' again. I can always smell it on your breath."

Oliva clung to the one truth she held sacred. Fred just did his laundry and left without saying goodbye.